Our birthday month :)

Happy birthday Bry. You would be 27 today! I'll be honest it isn't very joyous this year for our birthday's. I wasn't excited at all for my birthday. It was kind of nice actually, Chris worked nights on the boat and mom and dad were out of town, so I didn't have to worry about doing anything. Then this Sunday, Chris threw me a surprise get together. I'll be honest, I wasn't very excited. I cried actually. I tried my best to put on a smile and accept how sweet it was of him to do that and try to make me happy, but it hurt or more like, stung. The kind of sting that doesn't subside very easily. I tried my best to keep my composure and put on the happy face like I always do but inside it hurts. 

Today I went and visited your mom at work, she's having a rough time. Your sister, is having a very hard time, your dad, well, let's just say he has a piece missing in his heart too. There are so many things I wish I could say, but just like your mom says you can't live with yesterday it's not going to help. She's right. She has this strength about her. YOU have given it to her, believe it or not. She told me today she wanted to go speak with kids that are going through what you did. Share with them about you and how you were bright, talented with your hands, had the world at your finger tips, a great job but thrill seeking was what took you over, well consumed you. She wants to share your story with others and use it for good. God is working. 

It's getting better. Everyday is a little less and more positive. Positive in the fact that your death was for Christ's inner workings. I'm just having a hard time choking down the reality of you right now lying in an urn. That I can't see you. I remember that last time I saw you, you were not Bryan. You were someone else, trying to mask Bryan. I am so thankful for the time you spent with Nicole, how much you were able to talk with her. I prayed you read some of those books she gave you. I think of the time you came in and we made you a giant sandwich, I prayed it would nourish your body but most of all God would intervene. It's funny how sometimes our prayers aren't answered in the fashion we wish them too. I pray I will see you again some day. I miss you more than words can say. It stings. I will make an effort to work the courage up to talk with your dad and not cry. I love you Bry, happy birthday. 

Love, 

Weesie

Bry

Another one, yes. Tuesday was your service. The church was packed, standing room only. Your mother, wow, she has strength. She wrote your eulogy and said it without skipping a beat. She spoke of your wonderful and talented qualities you possess and then spoke of what took you away from us. Her testimony was powerful, everyone was listening. People she didn't even know came up to her at the reception crying, telling her thank you for saying what she said. Bryan, it hurts that you are gone, but God has a purpose and is already starting to use your death for GOOD! All things work together for His good and purpose. Bry, I am so sorry for the pain you felt. Chris spoke too, he apologizes for not reaching out when he could have and gave very comforting words to your parents. I love you very much. Bryan your death was not meaningless, I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. You have already touched so many people just in the last few days, and you don't even know it.
Looking at all those pictures of you when we were kids, you were the cutest kid. Aunt Kathi brought that letter you wrote Mille and the pot holders you made her! Bryan, you were such a caring person, very thoughtful, when you wanted to be :) Remember giving your mom tons of grief in Sunday School and eating glue behind Auntie Pat's back! lol Oh Bry Bry..... It hurts, it hurts bad. I dream t last night that all of this was a big nightmare, everything about the dream seemed real, very real. I woke up and felt ill. Jesus is definitely working through me, and helping deal with all the grief that has been flooding my thoughts and dreams. I was told yesterday that you are already in an urn, I cried. Knowing that you are no longer in a human form, seems so surreal. It's silly I know, but it's almost like if you were still, you know 'Bryan' then maybe you would wake up!? I know it's silly, but a wish. I'm not sure when we'll have the family graveside to bury you with your relatives. We haven't asked, we don't want to make your parents feel like they need to make any decisions too quick. You mom went back to work today, I think because she had to. Sony Park needs to jump off a cliff. I know you didn't like him either. Your dad and mine went and did errands today, and visited your mom. Dad said she looked overwhelmed and had red eyes. If at all in some way could you comfort them? Or have God give them some form of comfort relief to ease their pain. I'll pray for that tonight. I love you Bryan. Good night.
Love,
Weesie

Bry Bry

This is Bryan Scott Edwards. In this picture he's just about to get on Space Mountain in Disney World. This is the first vacation he had ever been his entire life, he was 17 at the time. He committed suicide this week at 26. Bryan is my cousin. We are almost exactly 1 year apart in age. He spent a lot of time with my family, he stayed with us a few times and during the time when this picture was taken he was actually living with us. I love him dearly. He had a very big heart, but was too afraid to show it most of the time. I miss him...very much.

Tonight I washed the clothes he was wearing the day it happened. I lost it, there were still 2 bullets in his pocket. Bry, why did you do this? Why are you gone? Why? We were all here, waiting for you to ask, for HELP!? We tried, but you refused, so we didn't push. You were such a caring person, helpful ALWAYS, even as a little boy. Lindle is just LIKE you! It's been so nice to be around him and see how much you two mirror each other. It kind of brings me comfort. We were looking at pictures tonight for your service, reminiscing about them. You had a good laugh, especially when we could get you going! It always seemed like you were on the verge of peeing your pants! I miss your dorkiness, that I'm sure a lot of your friends didn't know existed :) Do you remember rockin' out to mom's CD's and the song "Whip it"..you made me listen to that song OVER and OVER. You had some silly dance to go with it. Oh, and making fun of grandpa's high water pants! lol Wow we were stinks! Bry, I know you've been 'away' for a few years, but you've still been on everyone's mind. I don't want to say goodbye to you. I can't say goodbye, your too young. 

I miss you,

Weesie